Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
