And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
