he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
