i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
