tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
