highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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