my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
