i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
