good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
