two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
