Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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