I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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