I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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