wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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