You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
