i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I FOUND THE LEGS
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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