I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
