currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
