Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
