I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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