Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
