I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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