You made me cry and you don't even care
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't deserve a penis
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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