I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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