so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
