well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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