Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
