My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
