I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize