You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You're like the curious george of whores
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
