How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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