I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
