I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
