i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
