The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Randomize
