It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
