there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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