From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
