I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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