The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Did I show you my penis last night?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.