i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.