you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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