I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
