Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
