i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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