i just sent this text using only my big toe
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
