Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
