P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
