so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
