I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
