so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I could make wine with my vomit
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
