wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
