EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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