I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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