The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Pooping to opera.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
