Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
should my penis look like a turkey
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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