Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
