What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bet he comes in French.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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