after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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