Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
