Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
