Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
